Budgets in EPL, "borrowed" from the hockey forum

 
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:27 pm    Post subject: Budgets in EPL, "borrowed" from the hockey forum Reply with quote

Guildford
Have the biggest budget in European ice hockey by the proverbial country mile.
Pay their players by the barrowload and even their under 19s get free housing, cars, playstations and I-phones.
Apparently Van Hoof left in a huff because the car he was given was just a Ford Focus. Van Hoof said ďI wanted a Gold Bentley, like the one Liddiard uses to pull his caravanĒ.

Manchester
Also have a huge budget, but they spend it all on Tony Hand.
Tony doesnít pay a penny to any of the players that he signs. He relies on his charm and charisma and the rest of the team willingly for free as it allows them to be near the great Sir Tony and bask in his aura. No, honestly, itís true.

Basingstoke
No player actually chooses to play for Basingstoke.
Any players based in the south east have to wait until Guildford and Slough have filled their rosters and then the dregs that are left or have been cast off have to go to Basingstoke. The teamís remuneration budget consists of some old haircare products that someone found in a cupboard. The Bison players can only console themselves with the thought ďat least we donít play for BracknellĒ.

MK
They have the smallest budget in the league but they still win lots of trophies. The players all happily play for free because the team spirit generated by Saint Nick is just sooooooo good.
They have the best fans in the league and are everyone else's "second team" (except if you support Peterborough in which case they are the spawn of Satan).

Peterborough
Always start the season with a sound business plan and fixed budget. Unfortunately itís based on getting 10,000 fans per week into a building that only holds 1,500 so by Christmas they have to let all their players go and dress under 10s to make up the numbers.

Swindon
Ahh, the Blackburn Rovers of the EPL. They had a good season once. They won a title once. Then their owner ran out of money and theyíve been crap ever since. Still, their rink sells the best muffins in the league so itís good for an away trip.

Bracknell
Have no money at all. Pay their players with Curly-Wurlies. So itís odd that they could afford the best 2 imports in the league last year in Pinky and Perky. They must love curly-wurlies....
They did once accidently sign a player to a contract that involved the payment of wages. When they discovered this they drugged him, stripped him and took photos of him on the ice so they could ban him and not have to pay him anymore.

Telford
Have the second biggest budget in the league after Guildford. But this year they spent it all on Chris Allen and Roary the Tiger. Had to release both and now Tom Watkins has to play in net, defence and on all 3 forward lines.

Sheffield
Poor Sheffield. Their players have to pay to play. Any player that can hold a stick the right way round gets poached by the Steelers. Changed their name to Steeldogs so they can ice their fanís pet dogs when their player numbers get low. Look out for number 59, a miniature schnauzer who has an amazing right hand catching glove.

Slough
Have a very rich backer and can afford to sign the very best imports ever to play in the EPL.
They have the fewest fans of any professional sports team in the universe.
They occasionally win trophies, but no-one begrudges them, this as they know that their players and fans pay a heavy price for this all year. They live in Slough!!
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